The Wack-Ulty
by MlleMorsel
Summary: Frodo has to fight a school full of aliens in a pointless LOTR-Hornblower spoof of the hilariously bad movie "The Faculty"


I own nothing. It's all Forester and Tolkien. Yeah. Oh, and the Faculty producer-type people own the plot, I think. Whatever  
  
Erik, Bethany, Stacey, and Brittany are all real people. Erik is very tall. And Bethany has a Samwise fetish. And Brittany thought that The Faculty was the worst movie ever (I don't blame her!).  
  
I love my PHF's!  
  
Credit to: The Webspinsters for first saying "laudanum rulezzzzzz…" CassieClaire for "Everyone wanting to take over me. Cannot cope. Off to gym!", a takeoff from the Very Secret Diary of Frodo Baggins, and Monty Python for "run away, run away!"  
  
THE WACK-ULTY  
  
Our Scene: An ordinary high school. Well, as ordinary as things get in high school in Hollywood. It's the beginning of the day, and everyone is milling about, as is common with teenagers. Everyone looks about 20, not 15, because heaven forbid we use people who actually look like they're teenagers. Anyway…an attractive young curly-headed Hobbit comes off a bus…  
  
FRODO: Oh my. What big people.  
  
ERIK: Hey! New kid! He's tiny! Let's get 'im! (Erik et al. grab Frodo and ram him into a flagpole)  
  
FRODO: Help!  
  
(In the nick of time, good old Sam comes running in. But wait…he's not running to Frodo. He's running from someone…)  
  
SAM: Mr. Frodo!  
  
FRODO: Sam, go away! I'm not supposed to have any friends!  
  
SAM: (pauses to catch his breath) Well, Mr. Frodo, you know you can count on me as a friend. But I'm in trouble. You have to help me!  
  
FRODO: (as guys run him into the pole again) What's the matter, Sam?  
  
SAM: There's this crazy girl chasing me!  
  
(cue Bethany)  
  
BETHANY: Oh Saaaaaaaaammmmm! Someone's been a bad little Hobbit!  
  
SAM: Ack! She's after me! (runs away)  
  
BETHANY: Get back here!  
  
FRODO: Ouch! Time to hide in the bathroom and look sad!  
  
(Cut to the hallway of the school)  
  
HORATIO: Hi Mariette! Guess what? I quite the Navy!  
  
MARIETTE: Pourquoi? C'est stupide!  
  
HORATIO: What?  
  
MARIETTE: Howayshio, don't you know, Ah am shupposed to be wiff zee dashing nay-vee offeecer. Eef you queet, zen we can't be togezzur.  
  
HORATIO: That's dumb. We should go out anyway.  
  
MARIETTE: Je suis desolee, but sorry Howaysho, I must leave you. (runs down the hall)  
  
(Cut to a bathroom)  
  
WELLARD: Now guys, this is the stuff. (holds out bottle of brown liquid)  
  
STYLES: Wha' is it?  
  
WELLARD: This is my own recipe. It's the best stuff.  
  
OLDROYD: It looks like yoo-hoo.  
  
STYLES: It's laudanum, you dope.  
  
OLDROYD: Ohhhh…what's that?  
  
WELLARD: It's the only way to fly, man!  
  
(Styles and Oldroyd fork out money, and each receive a suspiciously large pen full of laudanum)  
  
FRODO: (inside a stall) Ouch! My nose is bleeding!  
  
(Sam rushes into stall, looking afraid)  
  
SAM: Mr. Frodo! What're you doing here?  
  
FRODO: Sam, did you hear what I heard?  
  
SAM: Just a little bit about selling illegal substances, and puttin' it in pens, but nothing important, Mr. Frodo! Don't let them run me into anything…unnatural…  
  
FRODO: What're you running from, Sam?  
  
SAM: That crazy lady…  
  
(Merry and Pippin burst into the stall too)  
  
PIPPIN: Frodo! Merry, it's Frodo!  
  
MERRY: Hello, Frodo!  
  
SAM: You've been into Mr. Wellard's stuff!  
  
MERRY: It's so fun, though! Laudanum rulesssssss…  
  
PIPPIN: Well, gotta go! This stuff's not as nice as Hobbit weed, but it'll do! (Merry and Pippin exit stall)  
  
BETHANY: (bangs open stall door) There you are, Sammy boy! C'mere, Sam! Forget that stupid Rosie chick!  
  
SAM: Egad!  
  
FRODO: Run, Sam! (Sam shimmies under stall and out of bathroom, with Bethany at his heels)  
  
(Cut to schoolyard again)  
  
ARWEN: Hello! I'm new! Can I talk to you?  
  
DUCHESS: No, you cannot, Miss Elfy girl. Leave me alone. I'm trying to look depressed.  
  
ARWEN: But my name is Arwen. And I'm here to help.  
  
DUCHESS: That's nice, Miss Ay, but I'm afraid I've got bigger problems hidden in me underwear.  
  
ARWEN: What?  
  
DUCHESS: No, I didn't mean it that way.  
  
ARWEN: (ignoring request to go away) I'm from Rivendell. I'm new here. My daddy's an elf prince. What does your daddy do?  
  
DUCHESS: If I tell you, it'll blow my alias.  
  
(Cut to a parking lot, by Wellard's POS car)  
  
WELLARD: Did you enjoy your last batch, boys?  
  
MERRY: Of course!  
  
PIPPIN: Almost as good as Hobbit weed.  
  
WELLARD: Thousand pounds for another couple pens.  
  
MERRY: Since I'm a Brandybuck, and the most fashionable hobbit, I think I can swing it. (pays Wellard)  
  
(Miss Morsel approaches)  
  
MORSEL: Wh…what are you d…d…doing, Mr. Wellard?  
  
WELLARD: Ah…Miss Morsel! Just helping out a few friends.  
  
MORSEL: I…know you're doing something il…illegal. (Is obviously entranced by Mr. Wellard's beauty and charm)  
  
WELLARD: I know you're entranced by my beauty and charm. So why don't you let me off the hook.  
  
MORSEL: Just this once, Mr…Mr. Wellard. Th…that's all! (runs away, obviously petrified that she made an idiot of herself in front of someone so handsome)  
  
(cut to school after hours)  
  
CAPT. SAWYER: (to Principal Galadriel, who is shuffling papers) How you doin'?  
  
GALADRIEL: I'm fine. (turns back to work)  
  
CAPT. SAWYER: (singing) We'll rant and we'll roar like true British sailors…  
  
GALADRIEL: Could you shut up? I'm trying to work!  
  
CAPT: SAWYER: Ummm…no, I don't think so. (Jams piece of hard-tack into Galadriel's hand)  
  
GALADRIEL: What do you think you're doing? I'm the Lady of the Wood!  
  
CAPT SAWYER: That's nice. I'm going to kill you now.  
  
GALADRIEL: Ack! I'm an elf! I'm not supposed to die! (runs out of room, and is chased by Captain Sawyer. She gets to the door) Senora Ortega! Let me out!  
  
SENORA ORTEGA: I am the taco ladyyyyyyy…  
  
GALADRIEL: Open the dumb door!  
  
SENORA ORTEGA: (Opens door) Haha! Now we have you! (Stabs Galadriel with two-inch-long dinner knife)  
  
(The next day, at school)  
  
FRODO: (to Mariette) So what am I supposed to do?  
  
MARIETTE: You are to find zee stowwies in zee teacher's lounge.  
  
FRODO: I will go to the teacher's lounge, but I do not know the way.  
  
MARIETTE: Vewwy weww. (leads Frodo into teacher's lounge)  
  
FRODO: So what am I looking for?  
  
MARIETTE: Anyzing. Wook! Zee nurse is on zee hobbit weed.  
  
FRODO: And laudanum, too.  
  
MARIETTE: Monsieur Fwodo, zere are people coming! (they hide in a closet. Captain Sawyer, Galadriel, and Dr. Clive enter)  
  
CAPT. SAWYER: So, Dr. Clive, we need to talk to you.  
  
GALADRIEL: Yeah. About…um…sandwiches!  
  
DR. CLIVE: Sandwiches?  
  
CAPT. SAWYER: Right. Sandwiches. Time for us to take you over now! (sticks red thingamabobs into Dr. Clive's ear)  
  
FRODO: Ew! Nasty!  
  
MARIETTE: Oh no! I am vewwy scawwed! (clutches Frodo) Ah am sowwee, M. Fwodo. Do not get zee ideas. I do not even let Howaysho get zis cwose to me.  
  
FRODO: Whatever.  
  
CAPT. SAWYER: There's someone in the closet!  
  
FRODO: Run, Mariette!  
  
MARIETTE: Ah am but zee peasant—  
  
FRODO: Run! (They run out of closet and out of school)  
  
(The next day at school—Frodo, Mariette, the Duchess, Arwen, Horatio and Wellard meet in a science room)  
  
WELLARD: What's up, man?  
  
FRODO: The faculty. They're aliens!  
  
WELLARD: What? You're crazy, man! You been hitting my laudanum?  
  
MARIETTE: He eez tewwing zuh twoof. Eet ees twoo. Zuh facuwty ees aww awiens.  
  
HORATIO: No way. That's not the honorable thing to do.  
  
DUCHESS: The kid's got a point. The faculty have all been actin' strange, Mr. Aitch.  
  
HORATIO: Nope. Not twoo…er, true. I don't believe in that stuff.  
  
ARWEN: Well, I think it's crazy.  
  
DUCHESS: Shut up, you elfy git. I'm starting to believe Mr. Eff and the Frenchie girl.  
  
ARWEN: It's OK, Your Grace, I know you really love me deep down.  
  
DUCHESS: Right…  
  
MARIETTE: We must do somezing about eet. What should we do, M. Fwodo?  
  
FRODO: Well…I dunno…  
  
(Sam runs in, out of breath)  
  
FRODO: Sam, what are you doing?  
  
SAM: Mr. Frodo, she's after me again!  
  
FRODO: That Bethany girl!  
  
SAM: She's coming! (cowers behind a desk)  
  
(Bethany bursts in)  
  
BETHANY: Sam! I'm looking for you! (sees Sam beneath table) Ohhh…we're playing hide and seek…  
  
SAM: Help! (exits, with Bethany at his heels)  
  
(Dr. Clive enters)  
  
FRODO: Dr. Clive! Watch out! The faculty is all aliens!  
  
DR. CLIVE: Now, Mr. Frodo, a tinch of laudanum to ease the pain…and, well…I'm going to have to take you over now! (tries to get Frodo with red thingers)  
  
FRODO: Help!  
  
WELLARD: Don't worry, I'll get him! (Takes out bottle of laudanum)  
  
DR. CLIVE: Ooh! Laudanum!  
  
WELLARD: Take this! (dumps laudanum in Dr. Clive's eyes)  
  
DR. CLIVE: Oh! The pain! (falls down dead)  
  
HORATIO: OK, maybe they are aliens after all…  
  
MARIETTE: Told you so, Howaysho.  
  
HORATIO: My name is Hor-a-shee-o!  
  
WELLARD: I guess my laudanum killed him. I wonder why…  
  
DUCHESS: How are we gonna find out, Mr. Aitch?  
  
WELLARD: We'll have to take a trip to my garage…  
  
(later, in Wellard's garage)  
  
MARIETTE: Ohh, wook at zee wittle mice in zee cage!  
  
WELLARD: Yeah, them. Um, wait a sec. (puts piece of Dr. Clive in cage. It takes over the mouse.  
  
ARWEN: That wasn't very nice!  
  
WELLARD: Sorry. Styles!  
  
STYLES: I'm 'ere, Mr. Wellard!  
  
WELLARD: Do your thing.  
  
(Styles picks up mouse with teeth and kills it)  
  
STYLES: 'ere ya go. (exits)  
  
WELLARD: Since I'm a super-genius, even though I don't have any friends or family, I've come to the conclusion that these aliens can only be killed one way. With Laudanum.  
  
DUCHESS: Maybe we only need to kill one. I was in a play where they only had to kill the head alien.  
  
ARWEN: That's absolutely nutty. I still don't think it's possible.  
  
FRODO: Well, I know what we must do. We have to all take some laudanum to prove that we're not aliens.  
  
WELLARD: Right. You first, Halfling dude.  
  
FRODO: Okie dokie. (Takes big swig) Ooh! This is funnnnnnn…  
  
WELLARD: Now me. (swig, swig) Yum!  
  
HORATIO: I really don't agree with anything that's not honorable…ah, heck, whatever. I'll do it. (swigs) Whoa…trippy…  
  
DUCHESS: Sounds fun! (swig swig)  
  
MARIETTE: I do not dwink zee Yoo-hoo unteew zee elf dwinks eet.  
  
ARWEN: You first.  
  
MARIETTE: No, you!  
  
FRODO: Showdownnnnnn….  
  
ARWEN: Fine, whatever. (swig swig)  
  
MARIETTE: OK, I'm not dwinking zee Yoo-hoo. Je suis alien!  
  
FRODO: Whoops! To think I was in a closet with her…  
  
HORATIO: Mariette, no!  
  
WELLARD: Well, um, guess there's only one thing to do. (dumps laudanum over Mariette)  
  
FRODO: Hey! You killed her!  
  
HORATIO: She's not supposed to die!  
  
WELLARD: Oh…sorry. My bad. Too late now.  
  
FRODO: Oh well. No big loss. She kinda smelled anyway. Like boiled fish…  
  
ARWEN: Now we have to find the head alien.  
  
FRODO: Right. We must go back to school!  
  
(later, in parking lot, Wellard at his car. Miss Morsel approaches)  
  
MORSEL: Hello, Mr. Wellard.  
  
WELLARD: Come to swoon, have you?  
  
MORSEL: Listen, ya big galoot. I'm not here to get all mushy. You're worthless! You're junk! Haha!  
  
WELLARD: Something's up! Run away, run away!  
  
(later, in school)  
  
WELLARD: So, who do you think the head alien is?  
  
FRODO: Maybe Principal Galadriel?  
  
DUCHESS: Good idea! Let's split up! Me and the elfy git will stay here.  
  
FRODO: OK. (Wellard, Horatio and Frodo all leave)  
  
ARWEN: Ha! Now we are all alone!  
  
DUCHESS: I noticed.  
  
ARWEN: Guess what! I'm the Alien Queen!  
  
DUCHESS: Whoops! Gotta scoot!  
  
(a chase ensues. Frodo runs into Duchess)  
  
FRODO: What's going on, your Grace?  
  
DUCHESS: It's the elfy git! She's the Queen!  
  
FRODO: Or course she is! She is married to Aragorn after all…  
  
DUCHESS: No, you doof, the Alien Queen!  
  
FRODO: Really? Whoa. Poor Strider.  
  
DUCHESS: Let's get out of here! (they run into the pool room)  
  
ARWEN: I know you're in here! (Unleashes true ugly alien self)  
  
FRODO: Ew!  
  
DUCHESS: And I though that Spanish guy was ugly…  
  
ARWEN: Prepare to become one of us!  
  
(Wellard and Horatio enter)  
  
FRODO: Horatio, help!  
  
HORATIO: Oh, yeah, um, we're aliens too now.  
  
WELLARD: Sorry, man.  
  
FRODO: Oh, poo.  
  
DUCHESS: Me too, man.  
  
FRODO: Everyone wanting to take me over. Cannot cope. Off to gym! (runs into gym, Arwen at his heels)  
  
ARWEN: I'll get you, my hobbit!  
  
FRODO: You're forgetting something! I'm small! (runs under bleachers. Arwen follows and gets trapped) Eat laudanum, elf! (pours laudanum over Arwen, and everyone returns to normal, except Mariette, who's still dead)  
  
(the next day, at school)  
  
FRODO: It's lovely to be back to normal! Though I seem to be lacking a woman.  
  
STACEY: Say no more!  
  
FRODO: Who're you?  
  
STACEY: I'm the smarter, prettier replacement for Mariette, with much more personality!  
  
FRODO: Really?  
  
STACEY: Yep!  
  
FRODO: Hot. (walks off with Stacey, who pinches his bum several times, as is her way)  
  
WELLARD: Yep, life is good when you're not possessed!  
  
MORSEL: C'mere, Wellie!  
  
WELLARD: You're cute when you're not shy or taken over by aliens. (they walk off, arm in arm)  
  
SAM: I give up. This Bethany is tiring me out.  
  
BETHANY: Knew you'd give in eventually.  
  
SAM: You do know that I've got a little hobbit wife and little hobbit children.  
  
BETHANY: Oh well…I'll cope.  
  
ERIK: Do I get any more lines?  
  
MORSEL: Nope, sorry my tall friend.  
  
ERIK: Poo.  
  
MORSEL: And so ends the Wack-ulty. I killed Arwen and Mariette, hahahahaaaaaa!  
  
BRITTANY: This was a really, really, really dumb movie! 


End file.
